The Life Inside Of Me
by blueeyedfreak
Summary: cs pairing. Everything was perfect until that night in December......Rated M due to ff.
1. Baby Please

' Baby please, don't do this.'

The words thundered through my mind as I woke up in a cold sweat. I panicked as I looked around, only to be calmed by realization that I was in fact at home, in my own bed….I was safe. Why can't I forget this, move on and start again. I've tried but it's hard, so hard. Subconsciously I move my hand onto my stomach and rub it gently, my slight bump reminded me of everything I was so badly trying to forget.

I guess I should explain. I'm Sara, Sara Sidle to be precise. I'm 30 years old and three months pregnant with a child I never really wanted. I was happy, engaged to the most amazing person in the world, sure we worked together in Las Vegas but it only made us stronger, we had our fights but doesn't everybody! Everything was so perfect until one night in December.

/flashback/

'I saw the way you were looking at her! You were checking her out.'

'No honey I wasn't…I was just being friendly.'

'That's crap and you know it, I saw the way she looked at you earlier, you know her from somewhere.'

'Ok so I know her' I shout much louder than I had anticipated to.

'Where from, she your other lover you've kept hidden away somewhere?'

'She's….well…from a case.'

'I can't believe this! You've been seeing a suspect from a case?'

'I never said she was a suspect and I'm not seeing her, I swear it's the truth.'

'It's over, I don't want you in my life anymore.'

'Baby please don't do this'

/End of flashback/

I was so angry that I went straight to the bar, had several beers too many and ended up going home with some guy. I haven't seen him since, I could find him if I wanted to but I don't. All I want is her back.

We still work together and sometimes I catch her looking, looking like she knows what she's missing…maybe it's just wishful thinking but sometimes I think she wants me back. Up to now I've been able to keep the baby a secret, sure I've cut out all the coffee and junk I'd have in the break room. No one has said anything but I'm sure they have noticed, after all we are crime scene investigators. Over the last few days I've started to show so it won't be long until I have to reveal the secret I've kept locked away for so long…..too long even.


	2. But Mom

Lindsey runs through the front door slamming it behind her before running into the lounge. Every day for the last three or so months had been the same. Every day she still ran in hoping today would be different. Her face falls as she realizes today wouldn't be that day.

"Mom! When's Sara coming home?"

Catherine sighs while looking at the young child before her.

"I don't know baby….I just don't know."

"You adults are so confusing. I want her back, I miss her and I know you do to."

"Linds it's not as simple as that, Sara upset Mommy and I told her not to come back."

"So, you still love her. Mom I hate this, she made you happy and she still does, you are always sad unless you are thinking about her. Who is gonna help me with my homework now or let me stay up late on a school night or have pizza whenever I want?."

Catherine laughs slightly before answering "Certainly not me! You only miss her because she let you get away with murder!"

"ooooooommmmmmmmmgggg! I do not. She is the coolest person in the world, well apart from you. Go get her back….before it's too late."

Lindsey mutters something about having to use the computer and runs off into the study leaving Catherine alone to think about Sara.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Shit! I'm going to be late." I mutter to myself as I run out the door and jump into my SUV. In fact I wasn't going to be late at all but I wanted to be the first in, to have some time and a sneaky coffee before anyone else arrived for the night shift.

I quickly walk through the parking lot and into the building smiling slightly at the young girl on reception before making my way to the break room. Fantastic no ones here! I sit down on the sofa curled up with a small cup of Greg's special coffee, surely he wouldn't miss one tiny cup, would he!

My mind wanders to her, all I can think about is her. She's taking over my life yet she's hardly even in it anymore. I did wrong, sleeping around wasn't the way to get over this but at the time I wanted to think of anything but her, it didn't work. In fact throughout….all I thought of was her.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stand in the doorway watching her, she looks so peaceful not knowing anyone is watching her. I realize how much I miss her, how much I need to hold her, to be around her, to love her. My mouth feels dry at the thought of talking to her and ruining this moment we have, this moment right now is our moment and no one can take that.

For months I've been telling myself that I never really loved her anyway and slowly I was beginning to convince myself but then my ten year old daughter makes me realize exactly what I am missing. It's kind of sad that a child has to tell their own mother to get out there and make that change but I'm glad she did because without that push, Sara would be slipping away even more.

Slowly I walk up behind her and cover her eyes with my hands, it was a risk but it's something I had to do, I'm not sure why but deep down I know this is right.

What the hell! No they can't be her hands, oh god I wish they were but….no Sara just shut up and stop dreaming.

"Guess who?"

"Shit!"

"Well that wasn't quite the reaction I was expecting Honey."

"Well I wasn't expecting your hands on any part of my body, I'd like you to remove them if you don't mind." Comes the agitated reply.

Catherine doesn't move her hands and Sara becomes increasingly uncomfortable.

"NOW!"

"Meet me in my office in five…..if I still mean anything to you"

Her hands trail off and she leaves the room leaving Sara alone, hugging her legs to her chest and crying gently. She doesn't move but watches the minutes tick by on the small clock to her left, she wasn't going to give in just like that. Part of her wants Catherine to feel the pain that she's been feeling since their last night together but the other part, the larger, stronger part wanted her to give in to whatever this was that she is feeling. Slowly she gets up and disappears to find Catherine.

'Knock knock.'

"Come in Sara and close the door, hopefully this won't take long."

The door clicks shut and Sara sits down in a chair opposite the desk, Catherine lowers herself onto the desk in front of them both and looks directly at the love of her life.

"Sara, I…..well I…..I just wanted to say that I miss you. I don't know how I've managed to get through these last few months, every day has been torture. Lindsey runs home every day from school praying you'll be there, it kills me to see her face fall every time."

"Cath I…."

"No let me finish! Damn it Sara I've been such a fool, I spoke to Claire…she told me everything, how she'd tried it on and how you'd told her I was the only one for you and that nothing would ever come between us. I fucking love you, more than words can say and I don't think I can go another day without you."

Sara remains quiet and looks away to hide the small tears escaping from her eyes at exactly the wrong time. 'Wtf is wrong with you, get a grip, she want's you back. Don't hesitate, you'll lose her…' She turns back just in time to see Catherine moving towards her, she takes her head in her hands and kisses her ever so gently.

"Take me back baby, I need you."

"I need you too."

They kiss again, this time more intimate than the last, Sara's hands race up and down Cath's body, taking in every curve and muscle, reminding her of everything she's missed. Slowly she slips her hands up Cath's tank top as their kissing deepens.

Suddenly Sara pulls away

"Baby I…"

Catherine holds her hand up as if to say ' Hold that thought' just as her office door creeks open and a familiar face appears in the doorway looking shocked at the scene before him.

"Wow sorry didn't expect to find you in here Sara" Warrick says in a surprised but excited manner.

"Does this mean…"

"Yes Warrick" Catherine cuts him off before he can finish his sentence.

"Damn! Hope I wasn't interrupting anything!"

"No not at all."

Sara opens her mouth to speak but quickly closes it again as Warrick launches himself at the two women, pulling them into a hug. Sara closes her eyes and feels her whole world turn upside down.


	3. Promise You'll Stay

Lindsey storms into the house and slams the front door closed behind her, kicking over the coat stand and stamping up the stairs towards her room without noticing anyone around her. She'd had a bad day at school, a very bad day.

"So Kiddo you're not even gonna come and say Hi to me?"

"SARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

Lindsey runs down the stairs and practically throws herself at Sara.

Laughs "Hey you, calm down. Anyone would think you haven't seen me for months."

"I haven't and I missed you soooooooooooooooooo much! Are you home to stay now because Mom has been so upset since you left, please say you are. I've got maths homework you could help me with and you can come watch this play we are doing at school annddddd we could go get pizza everyday."

"Woah slow down little one, we have all the time in the world to do those things. I'll always be here though, I'm not going anywhere."

"Even if Mom picks you up and throws you out?" giggling

"Even if your Mom picks me up and throws me out."

"Sara?"

"Yes Honey?"

"Promise? Forever?"

"I forever promise and promise forever."

Lindsey seems confused for a few minutes before smiling and snuggling into Sara's arms. Sara smiles at the small child clinging to her waist, this is all she had wanted for months but deep down she knows there are going to be many complications along the way. Lindsey interrupts her thinking. "Let's get pizza!"

"Cath…….Cath… it's 5 o'clock shouldn't you be leaving to go get Lindsey?"

Silence.

"Catherine did you hear a word of what I just said?"

"Huh? Sorry Warrick, I was just thinking that's all and before you ask, I'm ok….I couldn't be happier. Lindsey's at home with Sara, well she's probably talked Sara into getting her pizza" A smile forms on her face.

"I'm so glad you two worked this out. I mean you both seemed so empty without each other and well….I'm happy…pleased….that. Man I'm making a mess of this aren't I! You two were made for each other."

"I'm just scared, I think I'm possibly being paranoid but I feel like something is wrong. I can't work out what it is but there's something inside of me telling me to be careful. Hell I don't want to feel this, I know I shouldn't. Damn Warrick, I'm so confused!"

"Maybe you should just take things slowly….In all honesty though, I think you are just being paranoid."

He gently lifts Catherine's head up so she is looking into his eyes, he smiles slightly and wipes away her tears with the back of his hand.

" Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?"

"Only you Catherine……Only you."

"What's up Sara? You not hungry? You've hardly had anything."

"Nah not really Linds. Too busy thinking to eat."

"What ya thinking about?" Lindsey replies with her mouth full of pizza.

"You, me, your Mom, work, life in general."

"You should slow down, your brain might explode and I don't really want brains on my pizza."

"Lindsey that is gross!"

"Mom says I get that from you."

"Oooh really! I can believe that."

Lindsey carries on eating for all of five seconds.

"Saraaaaaaaa, can we go to the movies after this, can we? Please, please, please, please?"

"Hey it's my first night back and you're already earning me a night on the sofa."

"Not so bad if Mom were to join you."

"Ok missy that's enough of that, better get you home before I get in trouble."

Sara gets up and pays the bill leaving Lindsey sitting at the table, cramming the last slice of pizza into her mouth as quickly as possible. Sara holds out her hand to her and she happily takes it before walking to Sara's car. The journey home is extremely silent, neither quite sure what to say, it is obvious Lindsey doesn't want to talk about school and it is almost as obvious that Sara doesn't want to discuss her relationship with Catherine any further.

Lindsey runs straight up to her room as soon as she enters the house, leaving Sara to make her way into the lounge and sit herself between Catherine's legs. She feels Catherine's tender kiss on her forehead and closes her eyes.

"Good evening baby?"

"Yeah. It was good to see Linds smile again, although I think she ate rather a bit too much pizza."

"And who's fault is that huh? I hate to think what you'd bring your own kids up on if you had any."

Catherine was only joking but Sara went quiet and withdrawn at the comment, pulling herself out of her lover's grip she moves quickly into the kitchen and gazes out at the night sky. _Why the hell did she have to say that! I could be a great mother, no, I will be a great mother. So what if I don't know what I'm doing, I'll learn. I'll do whatever it takes, with or without Catherine._

'Nice fucking move' Catherine screams at herself. _Why can't I just keep my big mouth shut. It was a joke, I didn't know she was considering children. Damn maybe I should have left this alone…..I don't think I want to go through that baby stage of life again. _

Catherine moves into the kitchen, wraps her arms around Sara's waist and whispers her apologies into her ear, gently kissing her neck in between. Before either of them realizes what is happening they are in the bedroom, clothes are thrown all over the floor and they find their bodies tangled together under the sheets. Catherine slowly rubs her hand up and down her lover's thigh, trying to get the reaction she has longed for, for so long. She closes her eyes and enjoys the moment but it is short lived. She opens her eyes as Sara grabs her hand and moves it away.

"Not tonight…I'm not ready."

'Ok" Is all Catherine can mutter as she snuggles her head into Sara's chest and falls asleep. She dreams the perfect dream, she sees Sara and Lindsey running through green fields, smiling and joking, her two favorite girls in the world were happy and that was the way it was always going to be. Even if it was only in her dreams.

Catherine wakes up to the sound of the alarm and reaches over to give Sara a good morning kiss, she keeps her eyes closed and feels around beside her for that familiar presence but there is nothing there. She opens her eyes, panicking that it was all a dream. Tears form in her eyes as she engulfs herself in the large white sheets of her bed. It's not until an hour later when she reawakes from her slumber that she notices the note carefully stuck to the mirror.

Cath,

Work phoned, they wanted you but I didn't want to wake you. Nick needed help on a DB in Henderson. I'll see you at the lab later maybe? Tell Linds I said to be good at school,

Sara


	4. A Day To Forget

Catherine strolls into work without a worry in the world, her daughter is at school enjoying her day, her girlfriend is collecting evidence at a crime scene and she would be seeing her as soon as she got back, which could be any time within in the next few hours. She bumps into Grissom in the corridor who is in a hurry.

"What's the hurry Gil?"

"I've got bugs calling, this is going to be a fascinating case."

"Oh and Cath, don't rush into things, Okay?"

"Gil go see your bugs."

"But if you need anything….anything at.."

"Gil!"

"Ok, I'm gone."

She throws herself into the nearest chair in the break room and thinks about the huge stack of paperwork on her desk that she must get on with before Conrad gets on her back. Greg and Warrick enter the room discussing evidence of a body dump case Grissom had already given them before Catherine had arrived.

"If we had positive identification on this we might have somewhere to go." Warrick sighs to nobody inparticular.

Catherine is about to reply when she notices Sara's police scanner on the table in front of them, she figures Sara must have brought it in with her to listen to, so she could occupy any boring moments in the day. Suddenly the scanner clicks into action.

"CSI DOWN! CSI DOWN! URGENT MEDICAL ATTENTION NEEDED. LOCATION 124 5TH AVENUE HENDERSON"

"Was that Nick's voice?" Asks Greg.

"Shit! I think so."

" Oh my God Sara!" Catherine utters as she falls to the floor in disbelief.

At the crime scene Nick is at Sara's side holding her, trying to keep her awake. He's seen enough cases and had more than enough contact with medical staff to know that it is important to keep the injured awake. Pain rips through him at the sight of his work college, no his best friend lying before him in a pool of her own blood. _Why is this happening now? Now that everything is good again, the team are back together, stronger than they have ever been before and Sara and Catherine are back in each others arms, where they belong._

Sara struggles to keep her eyes open and focused on Nick, her head is spinning and she can feel a piercing pain running through her chest. It had all been a blur. She'd felt ill and thought the fresh air would do her some good. Allowing her to clear her mind and her body of the ill feeling inside of her. She'd suggested that Nick took the interior while she worked with the exterior, he'd agreed, he had no reason not to, after all the police had secured and ok'ed the area before the two csi's arrival. She tries to remember exactly how it played out but nothing is making sense.

"Sara keep talking to me, stay with me. Damn it Sara don't you dare quit on me!"

"Nick….I….." Nick realizes it's extremely hard for her to speak.

"Don't try to talk just keep focused on my face ok, don't close your eyes."

"Tell…"

Nick squeezes Sara's hand and looks over to the property entrance as he hears the ambulance approaching the scene. Two medical staff run over with their kits. _Oh great things just got worse. I can't believe Hank is here!_

"Shit Sara." They both say at once, taking each other by surprise.

Sara's worst nightmare is coming true, the two people she hates most in the world are right before her, it is in their hands that her life lies. She wants them to feel the hurt she had to feel, all the hurt they caused her, unintentionally maybe but this was payback. She slowly stops trying to fight this and allows her mind to begin shutting down.

"Hank…..Ben….Tell….Cath..I…m…s…o….r..rrr…y."

Sara's eyes flicker closed and her grip on Nick's hand loosens. Nick shakes her gently not believing that he'd got lost in the moment and allowed her to let go. His cell rings loudly and he quickly answers.

"Nick it's Gris. What's happened?"

"It's Sara, she's been shot Gil, SOME BASTARD SHOT HER!"

"Nick stay calm for me, is Brass with you?"

"No he's gone straight to the hospital to arrange appropriate measures from that end."

"Gris, this isn't good, Hank's here."

"Just concentrate on Sara."

"Her pulse is fading guys, we're losing her….we need to move now!" Hank screams to the rest of his team as they prepare to move her body onto the waiting stretcher.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SARAAAAAAAAAAA." Nick cries to his lifeless friend. Grissom's heart skips a beat as he moves the phone to his chest and for the first time in a long while, he allows himself to cry.

"Excuse me Sir, is Ms. Sidle your partner?"

"Yes, well work partner. She's my best friend."

"I don't have anyone listed as next of kin so would it be ok if I asked you some questions?"

"Sure go ahead…..anything to help."

"How far along is she?"

Nick looks up from the spot on the floor that he has been focusing on for the last twenty minutes since his arrival at the hospital. There is nothing interesting with the darkened patch of the hospital floor apart from its ability to occupy Nick's mind with everything apart from the events, which the previous hours held. He wipes his tears away not wanting to come across weak. _What did she just say? How far along is she! Damn there must be some kind of mistake!_

"Sorry I don't understand."

"Ms. Sidle is pregnant."

"No, no she isn't. She can't be. Are you sure?"

"Yes quite sure."

"I…. I. I…didn't…. know."


	5. Divided Loyalty

"Nick what's going on? They won't tell me anything."

Catherine runs along the corridor and straight into Nick's open arms, he holds her close crying with her. _I wonder if she knows? What am I supposed to say? I can't tell her just in case, it's not my place to say, it's Sara's._

Catherine buries her head into Nick's chest, crying hysterically. So much is running through her mind and her body just wants to give up. _Why did this happen? Why her? Why didn't she wake me, it's supposed to be me lying there losing my fight for life. God damn you Sara!_

Nick shuffles along to the nearest chair and sits himself down, pulling Catherine onto his lap and holding her head against his chest. He leans down and gently kisses her forehead telling her everything will be ok. Catherine settles slightly as they look towards the direction of footsteps approaching them.

"Jim."

"Nick, Catherine. I've just spoken to Dr. Anderson, Sara's been taken down to surgery to remove the bullet from her chest. If all goes to plan she'll be back with us before 2 this afternoon."

"I want to see her, I need to see her right now."

"Catherine calm down, none of this will be any good for Sara, we all need to be strong for her right now. I'm sure you can see her as soon as her surgery is over. I've got to get going, need to chase up a lead on this before it's too late. Let me know as soon as there is any news."

Brass turns and walks away leaving Catherine and Nick alone in the quiet hospital corridor. Neither say a word as right now silence is easier.

"Catherine. I know you guys only just got back together but Sara is really going to need you when she wakes up, please be strong for her."

"Do you know something that I don't?

"No, no I just meant that she might be reluctant to go back into the field after this, she'll need all of our support."

"I don't even want her to go back in the field after this, I'm so scared of losing her, I can't go through all this again but Nicky are you sure there isn't something else you want to tell me?"

"Catherine I swear. I'm just so worried about you…both of you, you know I love and care about you with all my heart. I don't know if I can handle you both breaking down."

"Oh Nicky…don't you worry about us, we'll look after each other. Nothing will break us up this time."

Nick struggles to fight with his emotions. His head is telling him to tell Catherine but his heart can't betray Sara. He sighs and realizes either way he's betraying one of them. He curses himself for agreeing to talk to the nurse and closes his eyes still keeping Catherine protected in his strong arms.

A vase smashes against the wall sending glass everywhere. A middle-aged woman moves to pick up the pieces. She sighs quietly to herself as she moves into the kitchen to dispose of the fragments. _So stubborn for such a young child, she is definitely her mother's daughter. If only I could convince her that I only have her best interests at heart. _Walking back into the living room she finds the child exactly where she left them, she sits down beside her and slips an arm around her crying form.

"Lindsey honey, I know I frustrated you but that wasn't a very nice thing you did."

"I WANT SARA" Lindsey shouts through a stream of tears.

"We've already had this conversation. It's best if you stay here until she's better."

"But what if she doesn't get better Auntie Nancy, what if she dies and I don't have chance to say goodbye! Just like with Daddy. She would want me there. I didn't get to tell her I love her before I went to school. What if she's forgotten?"

"Sara knows you love her and she isn't going to die."

Just as Lindsey is about to grab another object off the side the door bell rings and Lindsey places her hand back into her pocket.

"Well it looks like my favorite vase was just saved by the bell." Nancy says as she goes to answer the door.

"Uncleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Warrickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!" Lindsey screams pushing past Nancy to get to him.

Warrick smiles and scoops the young child up in his arms, giving her forehead a gentle kiss as she giggles at him. After a lot of persuasion he convinces Nancy to let him take Lindsey for the day. Of course Lindsey is over the moon that she doesn't have to mope around for the next few hours just waiting on the news she's so scared to hear. Nancy feels uneasy but kisses her niece goodbye and closes the door as she watches Warrick helping Lindsey with her seatbelt.

"Are we going back to your house?"

"Nope."

"To my house?"

"Nope"

"To work?"

"Nope"

"To the park?"

"Nope, give up yet?"

"No"

"Ok I give, where are we going?"

"We're going to see Sara, I thought you'd like that and I know she'd like that."

Lindsey smiles and goes quiet for a while.

"Uncle Warrick?"

"Yes Lindsey?"

"I love you."

"I love you too Kiddo."


	6. You Don't Promise Like That

Lindsey takes the seat nearest to Sara's hospital bed and Warrick sits down beside her, looking sadly at his friend lying before him._ What if she doesn't wake up? How are Catherine and Lindsey going to cope? Hell how are we all going to cope? We would never be able to get over this, hiding ourselves in work wouldn't even help as we'd always have that constant reminder that someone was missing….that someone being our Sara. _

"She is going to wake up isn't she?"

"Of course Honey, She'll be back to normal in no time."

"Promise?"

"Yup."

"You don't promise like that." Says a quiet voice to their right.

"SARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA." Shouts Lindsey throwing herself into Sara's arms.

"Careful Kiddo, I'm still rather sore."

"Sorry. Oh my God I'm so glad you are awake."

"Me too Linds, me too."

Warrick smiles unsure of what to say, Sara smiles back equally lost for words. She looks around the room noting that someone or something is missing, her heart skips a beat and a small tear forms in her left eye as she realizes what it is.

"Warrick where's Cath?"

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"You know sometimes I don't know if this is what I want anymore. Times have changed"

" What do you mean?"

"Sara and I split for all the wrong reasons but maybe that was how it was meant to be. We're different people now, we want different things in life."

"Different how? Sorry I just, I thought you loved her."

"Oh Nicky I do, so damn much but I'm scared what our future holds. We had a small argument about kids the other day, it's got me thinking."

"Kids?"

"Yeah, I made some dumb ass comment, it was just a joke. Sara went crazy about how she could be a good mother. I never knew she wanted kids and I just…I guess I'm just too old to go through all baby stuff again."

Nick's eyes widen in shock.

Shit, We are in trouble now. I've got to talk to Sara before Cath does. I need a plan. Come on Nick think! How can we work this out! Woah take a step back, I only have the nurse's word on this she could be mistaken…..let's just stay calm until everything is confirmed. Don't jump to conclusions and everything will be ok…

"Ok Nick now I know there is something you are hiding from me. Isn't it time you told me?"

"Cath….I….want to it's just, I can't."

"Nicky please."

"I think you should talk to Sara."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"I don't know Sara, we didn't see her on the way in. I guess Grissom needed her to finish a case or something. I could go look for her for you?"

"That won't be necessary." Catherine calls from the doorway.

Her eyes are fiery, so much anger held up in them. Anger at the hidden secret and anger at Sara going to the crime scene instead of her. No one takes Catherine Willows cases, not even her girlfriend, especially not her girlfriend.

"Warrick take Lindsey to get something to eat."

"We ate earlier."

"Yeah Mom I wanna stay with Sara, pleaseeeeeeeeee."

"OUT NOW!"

Warrick grabs Lindsey and quickly leaves the room. Catherine closes the door and pulls down the blinds, the anger in her eyes increasing with every emotional thought running through her mind. Sara looks towards the love of her life just wanting to feel loved.

"Baby?"

"Don't you 'Baby' me!"


	7. I Don't Wanna Fight No More

Captain Jim Brass and Gil Grissom walk towards the interrogation room. This is not one of Gil's favorite things but today he feels like he has to do this, he owes Sara this much. He will be the one to catch the person responsible for this terrible tragedy and bring his team the justice they deserve. Gil swallows as he enters the room and sees the man before him, people skills really aren't his thing.

Jim closes the door and uses all his inner strength to fight the urges to jump over the table and smash the suspect's brains out. He sighs and takes the only empty seat left in the room before clearing his throat and beginning.

"Nice of you to join us James."

"It's not like I really had much choice is it!"

"You lost every right to choice when you stabbed a young man to death and shot a csi."

**laughter fills the room**

"She wasn't supposed to be there, dumb bitch. I told her to just let me go but no she had to fight, typical work junkie with nothing better to do. Probably doesn't even know the name of that baby's father. People like her disgust me, dead is she?"

"Unfortunately for you she isn't."

"Yes. What a shame that is, still she'll be scarred for life. I guess that will do."

Brass gets up and leaves the room, his anger rising too much to allow him to stay. Gil turns to James.

"You will be going away for a long time, there will be no deal in exchange for motive or explanation so if you don't wish to record your reasons I will get the officers to escort you out."

"Like I said, she wasn't supposed to be there. Craig was my best friend, he'd always been a nasty piece of work, to everyone else that is. He never did anything wrong by me until last week. I caught him screwing my girl, we had an argument and I left. I never intended anything else to happen until that stupid bitch told me she was leaving to be with him. I couldn't let that happen, so I eliminated him for the equation. Simple as. I don't care that I'm going down, I don't even want her no more, I just had to make sure he couldn't have her either."

"You mentioned a baby. Was there a baby at the scene with you?"

"Apart from the one inside your CSI friend no. Ooh you didn't know, why doesn't that surprise me. You guys call yourself crime scene investigators and you miss something so obvious. Hey dude maybe it's even yours."

"Officers remove this man immediately."

The officers handcuff James and drag him from the room kicking and shouting abuse.

"Hit a nerve did I Mr.Grissom?"

Grissom ignores him and removes his glasses. He subconsciously cleans them wondering how the hell he hadn't noticed the change in Sara. He lets his mind play back the last few months. _Come to think of it I haven't seen Sara drinking coffee at all recently, she's never so keen to pull a double now .I thought that was just because Catherine was giving her a hard time, I know what she can be like. I must be losing my touch, maybe my CSI days are nearing an end._

_00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

"Lindsey your Mom isn't mad at you."

"It didn't seem that way back in the room."

"She's just upset, she was scared she'd lose Sara."

"I know…we all were. I was really scared too. Auntie Nancy said I couldn't see her so I got mad and smashed one of her glass vases. I didn't mean to do it, it just happened. Do you think that's what happened with Mom?"

"You know what Linds?"

"What?"

"I think you are one clever cookie, that's exactly what happened with your Mom!"

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"I'm so damn mad at you Sara. What the hell where you thinking? You answer my phone and then go work a scene they asked me to work, why didn't you just wake me? It's supposed to be me lying in that bed right now not you. Then to top things off Nick is hiding something from me and he says to talk to you about it. I think you have some explaining to do."

" You just looked so peaceful sleeping, I knew you were tired so I thought it would be best that I went. I only had your best interests at heart sweetie and I don't have a clue what Nick is on about, I'd have to talk to him."

"That's irrelevant. It wasn't your place to make that decision."

"We're a couple Catherine, couples make decisions like that for each other. They look out for each other and they protect them in every way they can."

"You could have died Sara! Just imagine what I would have felt like, guilt would have eaten me up inside, I'd have never got over it….never. I love you but this is all too much. I was so scared, I still am. I don't think I could handle losing you to a hole in the ground."

"I'm sorry for upsetting you but I will NOT pretend to be sorry for going instead, I'm glad it was me they shot and not you, I'm glad I just went through that surgery while you were being looked after by our friends and I'm glad it's me lying in this bed right now while you stand before me looking as beautiful as you did the day I first saw you. I Sara Sidle am not sorry for that."

"I look like shit, I've been crying for hours." Catherine lets out a small giggle through her tears and looks into her girlfriend's eyes.

"Hey it's impossible for Catherine Willows to look like 'shit'"

Catherine lets her defenses down and sighs heavily, they had a lot of making up to do. Well after Sara was better of course.

"Baby I don't wanna fight no more."


	8. If You Don't Tell Her, I Will

It's been several long weeks since the shooting and the mood at work is nothing to look forward to. Catherine is becoming extremely depressed as both Grissom and Nick seem to be avoiding her as much as possible. Sara is not back to work but has been out of hospital for a few days, Catherine however has only spent about thirty minutes with her girlfriend in this time, most of which was helping her up the stairs and into bed. Catherine kicks Sara's locker in frustration and turns to her best friend sitting beside her.

"I'm sorry Warrick I just needed to get that out."

"Hey don't apologize to me. You might wanna hold onto that until Sara sees that big dent in her locker."

"I'm sure that will be the last thing on her mind by the time she sees it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Work's getting to me, it's like everyone is gossiping behind my back. Grissom and Nick know something about Sara but neither one is talking and Sara well I've been avoiding her."

Warrick laughs.

"You guys live in the same house, share the same bed, how is it even possible to avoid her?"

"That couch in the break room is rather comfy you know."

"Oh Cath…"

"I just need to know what the whole damn world is hiding from me, the longer I'm kept in the dark the worse I keep thinking this something must be."

"I swear to God Cath if I knew I would tell you but no one is telling me either."

"Because they know you'll tell me."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

**Standing in front of the mirror looking at my exposed belly isn't doing me any good. Since I found out about this baby my world has been turned upside down. I got back with Catherine even though I knew I was pregnant, I didn't even tell her, didn't give her a chance to walk away before we even started again. I did try, once, maybe twice but the moment was always taken away. First by Warrick and the second time by Catherine not taking no for an answer, she can be….well very persuasive**.

**I don't remember much of the shooting or of the surgery but they say some guy confessed, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, story of my life huh! I remember the hospital though, that's something I'll never forget. **

**_I've been home three days, I think I've slept through most of them. Lindsey's been running around getting me stuff, Catherine's been tied up in work and Nick keeps ringing my cell…I think he knows. I need to tell Catherine but I'm so scared of losing her, I'd rather just run now and not let her ever find out. My secret could ruin her, hurt her beyond repair and I'd lose everything. I know running isn't the answer but right now it seems like a good option._**

**_I love her so much, more than anything in this world, I love Lindsey too and I will love this baby with all my heart. Everything could be so perfect, Catherine and I bringing up our two beautiful children together, having our wedding just like we planned, working the job we love and living happily ever after….well hey I can dream, can't I! I'm 17 weeks tomorrow, it's all gone so fast, I just wish I could turn back time….._**

Sara puts down her pen and closes the diary before placing it back in her bedside cabinet. Slowly she eases herself up from the chair and heads to the bathroom to shower all her troubles away. Today would be the day where she finally told Cath the truth.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Sara? Baby you home?"

"Mmmm I'm up here." Sara calls down the stairs.

Catherine walks up the stairs and into her bedroom, Sara is sitting on the bed with only a towel wrapped around her. She smiles up at her girlfriend and motions for her to sit down next to her. Catherine ignores her and leans against the doorframe suddenly noticing that Sara has put on a lot of weight.

" I want you to tell me whatever it is that is going on. I can't handle this anymore. I know the guys at work know, they all avoid me and if I do manage to catch one of them they go quiet at the mention of you. Honey what's so bad that you just can't tell me?"

"It's just I should have told you before we decided to try again, I tried in your office, remember? I wanted to tell you something but Warrick interrupted us, he was so happy that we were back together that I just got lost in the moment."

"I remember but there's been plenty of times to talk to me since then, we were alone a lot at the hospital."

"I was tired and it didn't seem like the right place. I just want you to know that I haven't told anyone, I'm not sure how the guys found out but it wasn't from me. I always wanted you to know first. Now I'm just scared that you don't love me anymore."

By this time Sara is crying and Catherine breaks down at the sound of her lovers words. She sits on the bed and pulls Sara into her arms, gently stroking her back.

"Don't be stupid, I do love you, I'm just a little mad and at the same time concerned and worried and every other emotion under the sun. I've been avoiding this conversion because I'm so scared that I can't handle whatever it is you have to tell me."

Catherine and Sara remain in each others embrace, stomachs pressed together and Sara's head nestled tiredly into Catherine's neck, neither want to break the moment as they both fear the words and reactions which will follow the conversation neither one is prepared for. Sara opens her mouth to speak but is cut short as she feels a kicking movement in her stomach. Hoping Catherine hasn't felt it too she closes her eyes and her heart sinks as she feels Catherine move away from her, it was too late, she'd felt it.

"Oh God Sara…"


	9. Toxic Love

"Shit."

Catherine gets up off the bed and moves away before collapsing in tears against the full sized mirror propped up against one of the four walls enclosing them. Her head falls naturally into her hands giving her a perfect view of her engagement ring, she pulls it off and throws it towards Sara. Sara moves towards her and wraps her arms around the crying form of her girlfriend.

"Shhhh baby it's ok."

"Get the hell off me."

"Catherine please, I didn't ask for this to happen. If I could turn back time I would but we can't, we can only move on from this." Sara is now crying.

"Well you can start by moving out of my house."

"No."

"No?"

"No. I won't lose you again, I can't. Baby put your ring back on, this can't be over. I walked away last time without a fight and there hasn't been a moment that's passed that I haven't regretted it. Catherine you and Lindsey are my life, my everything…without you I am nothing."

"I don't remember giving you an option."

"I'm not leaving, you don't want me to."

"How could you possibly know what I want!"

" Cath please…."

Seconds later Sara is left all alone, the front door slams and Sara falls onto their bed, crying hysterically.

I run from the house as fast as I can. I'd like to say I know where I'm going but I don't, I have no idea, I just had to leave. I had to be anywhere but there. It's raining and I'm soaked through, I believe I have found the moment and the situation where I Catherine Willows can indeed look like shit.

_Of all the things in the world, I never imagined that she was pregnant, not once. I only noticed the weight gain as of today, she's been so careful to hide it. I tried to pretend everything was going to be ok no matter what she had to say to me but who was I trying to fool! Hell we haven't even had sex since we got back together, I guess I now know why she went cold every time I tried to get near her…she didn't want me to find out. Did she think the longer she left it, the more chance there would be of me staying? Well she was damn wrong._

_I feel like such a bitch but you have to understand, I'm 40 years old soon to be 41, I've done my share of changing nappies, sleepless nights, school parties etc. I'm just too old to be a mother again, although I guess technically I wouldn't be a mother. Maybe I could try but if it doesn't work out it's only going to cause her extra pain, I cant do that to her._

_And what about Lindsey? How is she going to feel about having a baby brother or sister. It'll be hard on her, having to share what she's so used to having all to her self. The big age gap could be difficult but then again it could help them get along. Lindsey would be the person they look up to, they could tell their problems to her if they didn't feel they could talk to Sara or me…woah hold up Catherine. What are you doing! You're imagining yourself in that perfect family of four situation that you don't want._

_Damn I wish I knew what I wanted, truth is I'm extremely confused, hurt and feel somewhat betrayed._

_I wonder what she's thinking right now. Maybe I should turn back and go check that she is ok, wait of course she's not ok, I just broke her heart and my own with it. Love hurts. We've made it through so much already, we've come so far and now I'm throwing it all away, our dream wedding, our happy family, our world, our….my everything._

"One Vodka please."

"Coke? Ice?"

"Hold the coke."

Catherine sighs and looks over towards the stage looking at the young girl strutting her stuff in front of a crowd full of perverts just as she had done herself many years before. She wipes a small tear from her eye and turns back to the bar.

"Make that a double."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_  
_

Lindsey walks into the kitchen to find Sara lent over the sink surrounded by at least ten empty beer bottles. Lindsey calls out to her but gets no reply so grabs hold of her arm and pulls her round to face her. Sara's eyes are blood shot and her right hand is tightly grasping a half empty beer bottle.

"What the hell are you doing? Are you completely stupid?"

"Linds, I didn't drink anything. God I wanted to but I couldn't do it. I decided to empty them all instead, I thought maybe it would help."

"And is it?"

"I'm not sure, maybe a little."

"Has Mom gone?"

"Yeah, she's left me."

Sara breaks down once more at the realisation of her own words. Lindsey prises the beer bottle from her hand and leads her over to the sofa. They snuggle up, both just happy to be held. Lindsey speaks words of comfort to Sara but soon sees it's having no effect. After having a tiring day at school Lindsey finally allows sleep to take over. Sara closes her eyes and lets her mind drift through the mass of trouble she has caused.

If only I had told her straight away at least it would have been perfectly clear where each of us stood, unlike now were I don't have a clue what's happening. All I know is that she's left me, the only woman in the world for me is gone. It's all my fault, I won't blame her. How can I expect her to bring up a child she doesn't want, a child we didn't decide to have together! Truth is I can't, it's my screw up and I have to sort this out myself.

_I could go find the father but what's the point? As cruel and crude as this may sound all he was to me was a quick 'shag' to try and forget that Catherine left me. It didn't help me forget and now look what's happened because of that night. She's left me yet again, it seems to be the story of our life, well my life._

_Maybe she'll come back once she's cooled down. Maybe she'll tell me everything will be ok and that she'll stand by me through good times and bad or maybe I'm just fantasising about something that can never be._

_It's over……No, NO! It's not over. I will not let it be, sometimes you have to fight for the things you want, the things you need and that's what I am going to do. Catherine is my baby and she always will be, I know she loves me and I know we can work through this. She could love this baby just as much as I will, if only she'd try….._

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Well well if it isn't Catherine Willows."

Catherine turns round not recognising the voice, she smiles at the woman standing before her.

"April, long time no see."

"Indeed. No longer married to that loser of a man you called a husband?"

"Nope, I'm getting married again though, well I was. We just ended it, well I mean I just walked out."

"Hey dude fill her glass up will ya?"

She whispers behind her hand to make it a triple before smiling back down at Catherine.

"Why'd ya walk out? What'd he do?"

"She's pregnant."

"The bastard had another woman?"

"No my fiancée, well ex, she's pregnant."

"Holy shit."

"Don't seem so surprised."

"Hell if I'd known this years ago believe me you'd have never married Eddie."

Catherine laughs a little.

"You know, I love her more than life itself but…"

"You don't know if you can handle another child."

"I don't know if I want to."

"Well babe if you love her as much as you say you do then you'll do it anyway. I think you know that. I think you also know that you'll be going back to her and apologising for your little outburst, which I'm sure was justified before you jump down my throat."

"Maybe you're right."

"No maybe about it sweetheart."

Catherine downs her newly poured vodka in one and places the glass back on the bar while motioning to the bartender that she's had enough. April watches the older woman with interest thinking why she hadn't noticed how beautiful she was before, well she had but not in the same way.

"I guess I better be heading back."

"I guess so, it was nice seeing you again."

"You too, might see you around. Take care."

Catherine gets up and starts to walk away, suddenly realizing she's had a lot more to drink than she remembered.

"Catherine….wait."

Catherine turns back around to face her friend.

"Fancy one last ride? For old times sake?"


	10. Nothing In The World

The Next day: 10:05 am 

Sara stretches then cringes realizing she slept on the sofa yet again. Slowly she sits up and registers the time. She finds a note stuck to the TV and gets up to read it.

_Sara,_

_I've taken Lindsey to my place, she seemed too upset for school. She won't tell me what's up. I'm kinda hoping you can? Come collect her when you're ready, I'm more than happy for her to stay here for as long as is needed._

_Nancy_

Sara sighs and throws the letter into the trash can beside her before walking into the kitchen to face the mess of last night. She's surprised to see that all the bottles are gone, the washing up is done and the trash emptied. She walks slowly to the cabinet she normally hides her beer in and finds a note from Lindsey.

_Sara,_

_Don't worry I got rid of the evidence._

_I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu _

_Lindsey_

Sara laughs and folds the note back up before slipping it into her pocket and walking upstairs. She has a quick shower to freshen up and changes into some black jeans and a tank top, not caring anymore who notices her baby bump.

**11:05 – A Small flat just off the strip**

Catherine groans at the beam of light almost blinding her through a gap in the curtains, she turns over to go back to sleep when she suddenly realizes this isn't home. She turns back and looks at the person next to her.

"Shit!"

She jumps up and pulls on her jeans and top which are by the door before running into the bathroom and rooting through the cabinet on the wall, eventually she finds some pills and takes two. A quick glance at her watch tells her to hurry up, she runs down the stairs two at a time after realizing the lift would take just as long. She pushes through the main doors and is overwhelmed by relief to be out of there.

She walks hastily along the street until she spots a taxicab and jumps in before a businessman makes his move. She mutters that she's sorry, slams the door and informs the driver of her destination before sitting back and relaxing slightly.

"That's $25 please."

Catherine suddenly remembers she hasn't got any money but quick thinking saves the day.

"I'm Catherine Willows from Las Vegas Crime Lab, could you just bill this to there, Gil Grissom will pay."

She flashes her badge and waits for the driver to nod before jumping out and heading towards her front door. After about five minutes of turning out pockets and trying to remember where she hid the spare key she finally lets herself in and looks around for Sara.

"Sara?"

No reply so she heads up the stairs and into the bedroom.

"Honey? Why didn't you answer me?"

"I guess I didn't hear you."

Sara turns around to face Catherine, her cheeks tear stained and her eyes bloodshot. A single tear runs down her face, Catherine moves her hand up and gently wipes it away with her thumb before looking to the floor then back into Sara's eyes, she sees all the love and security within them, it is now she realizes that without Sara she is nothing.

"You know sweetie when I said nothing could break us this time I meant it. There's nowhere that I'd rather be than here."

It's been so long I can't remember when  
We didn't care how deep it was  
We dived right in  
Watching everything around us disappear  
Oh I've missed you here

_And it seems the little things get in the way  
We're so caught up in routine from day to day  
Sometimes it feels like we're not anchored anywhere  
Oh I've missed you, yeah  
_

So tell me there's nothing in the world  
That could ever come between us  
Show me you're not afraid tonight  
Baby make me believe  
That there's nothing in the world that could ever  
Steal the moment from right here and now  
(Nothing) Nothing...in the world

" Sara….I'm scared."

"Me too baby but we can do this."

Catherine falls back into Sara's arms and closes her eyes. Sara gently plays with the strands of Catherine's hair covering her face, neither knowing what to say. Slowly a ring is slipped back onto an awaiting finger, smiles form on their lips as they fall into bed, back into each others arms. _  
_

Two shadows falling back together now  
Baby we spent too much time just hiding out  
And there's nowhere that I'd rather be than here  
Cos I've missed you, yeah

So tell me there's nothing in the world  
That could ever come between us  
Show me you're not afraid tonight  
Baby make me believe  
That there's nothing in the world that could ever  
Steal the moment from right here and now  
(Nothing) Nothing...in the world

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

The sound of her cell phone rings through her head as she wakes, the bright sun light shining onto her, she lifts her arms up in part protest of having to wake up so quickly after such little sleep and in protecting her eyes from the evening rays.

"Sidle"

"Sara where are you? I need you. Hurry up and come get me."

"Honey slow down, what's happened?"

"I'm at the lab."

"Lindsey what are you doing there?"

"Uhhh Nick caught me walking along 5th on my own."

"What has your Mom told you about walking off on your own?"

"Not to but I needed to see you, there was this woman looking for you, she said it was important. She looked really mad Sara."

"Did you recognise her?"

"No, she just turned up at Auntie Nancy's but she didn't see her, I answered the door."

"It's ok Linds. I'll sort this all out."

"Where's Mom?"

"She's here, with me. Everything is going to be ok, I promise."

"You don't promise like that."

Sara laughs.

"Just let me get changed and I'll come get you, sit tight ok?"

"Ok. Cool, bye."

"Oh and Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's just keep this mad woman between me and you, just until we find out more."

"Only if you buy me pizza."

"Nice try, See ya soon Kiddo."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Lindsey looks up at her Mom and then at Sara knowing both of them are as mad as each other and that there is no way she's going to be able to play them today. _Damn I'm gonna be grounded for like forever…..so not fair. Bet no other kid has been grounded this much hmmph!_

"Sweetie what have I told you about wandering the streets of Vegas, it's not safe baby."

"I know Mom, I just wanted to make sure you two weren't splitting up again and that Sara was ok."

"No such luck kiddo, together forever. Nothing can break us."

"This is sooooooooooo cool and I'm gonna have a baby brother or sister too. Awesome!"

Catherine picks up on the fact that even her daughter had figured it out without help but she lets it slide, there are more important things in life.

"Let's go home and watch a movie together, it's been a long time since we've done that, it's about time we were a family again."

Catherine smiles and takes Sara's hand leading her towards the door, Grissom stops in the doorway and offers a weak smile but nothing more. Catherine feels the need to enforce some issues and wraps her arms around Sara placing them protectively on Sara's stomach.

"Something you want to say Gil?"


End file.
